Random thoughts and emotions that never seem to fade

Sometimes I just sit and listen to music as loud as I can to try and drown out the sounds of my past, yet the louder the music plays the louder the sounds get the stronger the feelings come. I find it odd that I can be at a point where I am at after years passed and I have moved on, and no longer have feelings for the monster that broke me. Yet I can still feel every last ounce of pain he caused me, hear every word, see every memory clear as day, it feels like I’m being burned alive. My head gets hot, my heart pounds, pulse races, and tears fall, but their not tears of lost love their tears of how and why did I let this monster do this to me.
It irritates me how I would let him go and then let him drag me back in over and over the same merry go round every time with the drama and the heat turned up a little more every time. Once more I let him, was it love, was it fear, was it confusion that made me repeat this record over and over and let him rip me apart to finer shreds every time I let him back. I finally let him go and started to move forward in life over a year passed and I relapsed into his arms like a school girl with a rock star crush.
Why do I still have these thoughts, why does it still affect me so, has my hatred for him forever attached his memory to my soul, will it ever be gone or am I doomed to feel this torture, destruction and pain forever? I feel it in my poetry, my ramblings, my writing, my songs, I hear it in the songs of other’s, I see it in the mirror. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m questioning myself and what I may have or did do wrong, or if i brought it on myself, AM I TO BLAME FOR THIS? Or is it that this grudge is so strong and the pain he caused me left scars so deep that they won’t ever heal?

~BrooklynBreed~